Escape

Sometimes it's so hard for me to sit and write anything at all...My mind is numb from the continual flow of intoxicants that I injest in such a varied form. I feel the need to stretch the fingers of my brain and let a few words fall from the script. My life is a movie, or at least it really should be. I fear that I can't really talk about too much because I'm paranoid that someone is always checking up on me, reading my mail, listening to my phone calls, and especially reading my dark secret thoughts that I scratch out in my various journals. None keep to the same story for long, my thoughts may start here, but before they are truly spelled out and finished they will pass through several other medias and finally land back in my brain...And that's when I end up here again, trying to let those thoughts run free, escape, whatever just get them out of me!

Lunch with LoLo

Today Lolo and I are getting together for lunch around one...I wonder if she is bringing the girls with her or not? It would be nice for it to just be her and I, so that we can talk about all the craziness that is going on in our lives right now without the little ones listening. Lolo has been trying to get me to go out with her for the last few weeks but, I always end up being too drunk by the time she gets out of work to be of any use to anyone. Those afternoon trysts with J require that we drink and smoke, and I usually end up in bed by nine or ten. J just got home a couple of days ago, we spent a good portion of the afternoon together fucking our brains out. Or some may call it catching up...

"My Lover's Gone" - Dido

My lover's gone,
his boots no longer by my door
He left at dawn,
and as I slept I felt him go
Returns no more
I will not watch the ocean
My lover's gone
No earthly ships will ever bring him home again
Bring him home again

My lover's gone
I know that kiss will be my last
No more his song
The tune upon his lips has passed
I sing alone
while I watch the ocean

My lover's gone
No earthly ships will ever bring him home again
Bring him home again

Welbutrin. Is it really worth it?

I've been taking the stuff for three weeks now, and I'm not entirely convinced that it's the right thing for me to be doing. I'm not allowed to have caffeine, and when I break that I get so nauseous. Not allowed to drink?! Um hello! Wasn't the doc listening when I told her I drink at least a half of bottle of wine each and every day. It seems that when I combine them I fall right to sleep...Not a good symptom if you are away from home. I was told by my doc that this is the stuff they give people to quit smoking cigs...Strangely enough, I was doing better before the Welbutrin. Now, I think about smoking almost as much as I think about sex. It has become increasingly difficult to fight the urges when they are all day long. The one good side effect...My libido has increased. Not that I really needed any help in that area, but now, I'm just insatiable. All I want to do is have orgasms all day long. I find myself craving sex, lusting after every good looking person who passes me by. These new feelings could get me into a lot of trouble...

Leaving...

He'll be leaving soon...Going away for almost an entire month. I'll be left on my own once again. He's taking his family to the beach, too bad I can't go also. If only he would have invested in those condos, then I would be set. I could be down there any time I wanted, and I could leave my beach stuff there. It would be so nice to be able to travel without any luggage.

We reap what we sow

Isn't that how the old bible phrase goes? Well today, I got what was coming to me big time. I really can't complain, I mean after all of the stuff that I wrote, and besides, I loved almost every second of it. What can I say I'm a little bit twisted. I have to admit, I do so enjoy getting laid all day long. I must have cum at least 50 times and he came three, somehow, that just doesn't seem fair.

Back in good graces

Life is looking up just a little, maybe it's the fact that the snow finally stopped falling and there is the barest glimpse of the sun. Or, maybe it's just that I got laid. Hmmm...

These things that we can not control

Love, hate, sadness, lonliness, the weather, and about a few hundred thousand more things, but these are the ones that are getting to me today.